Flash Fiction – Spammerpunk Horror

This is my entry for the new Flash Fiction challenge on Chuck Wendig’s Terribleminds. Mr. Wendig says:

So, I’ve been getting some weird spam comments and emails these days.
They are vaguely tinged with horror.
Goofy horror. Worthless, not-scary horror. Poorly-written horror.
But horror.

So, what I want to see from you is:
A horror story framed as a spam email.

So here is my entry for the week:

Good Practices Are Worth Their Weight in Gold

Hello Web Admin,

I love your blog. I have read this article and I have enjoyed it to the utmost. You are one of the select few in the blogosphere with such informative articles.

While I love your content, I could not help but notice that your on-page GOOO is missing a few factors. For one, you do not use all the H tags in your post; also I notice that you are not using the colour green properly in your GOOO optimisation. On-page GOOO means more now than ever since the return of the Great Old Ones in all their terrible glory. No longer are simple invocations of the soul-binding rituals or promises of blood sacrifices to the HP Lovecraft estate enough to bring your otherwise excellent blog to the attention of the Great Old Ones. You definitely NEED On-Page GOOO.

So what is good On-Page Great Old One Optimisation practice? First the target of your worship must appear in the title. Then it must appear in the URL and in the bloody dreams of the followers of your blog. Do NOT, under any circumstances, ignore readers who subscriber to your blog via RSS, as Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, is known to use a feed reader almost exclusively.

You have to optimise your prayers, what we call keywords in the GOOO domain. That sounds absolutely basic, right? Right? Well, you’ll be surprised how many worshippers of Yog-Sothoth miss this basic and bring upon themselves that madness that is really awestruck awareness of the true cosmic nature of the Great Old Ones instead of the knowledge they were really looking for (usually how to impress the pretty girl / boy next door). You have to ensure a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant HMI (Hidden Meaning Indexing). Beware! Any less and your chosen deity will not be appeased; any more and you will attract the attention of the great Cthulhu himself.

Then you should spread all relevant H-tags throughout your article. Our recent investigations suggest that the Great Old Ones do not really care for subliminal messaging anymore, so commented incantations in your HTML code and metadata will only succeed in angering them. Your prayer should appear in the first paragraph of your article, the last sentence of the autobiography of a childhood friend. You should have relevant usage of Ichor and Green of your prayer. There should be a link to a hidden location on the Facebook servers and at least one image with an alt tag that has the name of your third cousin (or younger brother). WAIT, there’s even more…

Now, if I told you that there was a simple plugin that does all the On-Page GOOO, and that too automatically. Yes, we DO mean AUTOMATICALLY. Just watch this 3-second video on a loop for a night. For more information, click on my name as it appears on your blog.

Now, as you can probably see, I cheated. I took one of the spam comments on this very blog and modeled my story on it. I am so ashamed of myself!


About Siddhartha

I'm just this guy, you know?
This entry was posted in Stories and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Flash Fiction – Spammerpunk Horror

  1. wildbilbo says:

    Don’t be ashamed, I liked this a lot. It hit the brief, and was very clever. I do love a Lovecraft theme though, so I might be biased 🙂

  2. Jon Stoffel says:

    What if I told you that Blogging Shame could be overcome? My cousin Carlos showed me this, and the subscription price of just $15 USD per month is a bargain! DM me your credit card number and I’ll make sure you get signed up.

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